Letrum: Why women love bastards – and how you can be one

Another of my friends has become enamoured with an arsehole – and science has provided her with the perfect excuse to keep putting up with his bastardry.
It’s been a confusing few months for women – on the one hand we have new research that women are hard-wired to find ruthless, unpleasant bastards attractive, on the other Harriet Harman announced a new Equality Bill that will force firms to reveal the salary gap between their male and female staff.
On the plus side, this means that some of the callous, self-obsessed and deceitful men that have been underpaying us for years will get their come-uppance, on the minus side we’ll probably end up sleeping with them for their troubles.
According to scientist Peter Jonason, women’s attraction to bad boys is the work of ‘the dark triad’ which is, before you get even more excited, a set of three unpleasant personality traits and not a really awesome kung-fu gang that operate at night.

Hold on to your petticoats, ladies, it's the Dark Triad!

Apparently, it’s self-obsession, callousness and deceitfulness that really get women’s pulses racing because we equate men behaving like arses with masculinity and the ability to father healthy children.
The key for men who want to knock up as many women as possible before doing an early runner is to have the right amount of dark triad traits – too many and you’re a social outcast, just enough and you’re every lady’s favourite swordsman. Frankly, I’m not sure who comes out of this looking worse – the men who worship both Satan and the mirror or the gullible women who put up with them.
Jonason went on to give James Bond as the ultimate example of the kind of man that women find irresistible, telling New Scientist: “He’s clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and likes trying new things – killing people, new women…” Well, everyone’s got to have a hobby or two.

A bed-hopping psychopath with commitment issues - dreamy!

James Bond: A bed-hopping, crotch grabbing psychopath with commitment issues - dreamy!

Now I’ve met plenty of self-obsessed, callous, deceitful men (and, in the spirit of Harriet Harman’s Equality Bill, lots of self-obsessed, callous and deceitful women, too) but not one of them could have been compared to James Bond. For a start, not many international playboys are in the habit of living with their parents, driving a Mini Metro or being sick in my lap after one too many lagers.
James Bond may employ the dark triad in order to get women into bed, but in fairness, there are several mitigating factors that would probably make a one-night stand with him seem slightly less regrettable than normal the next morning. For example:
(a) James Bond is eye-wateringly attractive.
(b) James Bond is exceptionally, ridiculously rich.
(c) James Bond has a single digit sonic agitator unit on his ring finger. Imagine how that could liven up a dull evening.
(d) James Bond drives an Aston Martin that’s worth more than your house.
(e) James Bond may sleep with lots of women, but at least he’s choosy: all his bedfellows are required by law to have a name like Christmas Jones, Holly Goodhead, Harlot Bignips or Vixen Lovepocket.
(f) James Bond is unlikely to say: “If you’re looking for somewhere to sit, love, you can always try my face.”
(g) James Bond’s stories about his day at work are genuinely interesting.
(h) James Bond does not wear a t-shirt that says ‘Let’s Play Hide the Sausage’ or ‘If Found, Return to The Pub’.
(i) James Bond does not get involved in tawdry street fights, rather he harpoons his enemies to trees, or cuts them in half with a laser or a hovering killer tea tray.
(j) James Bond never pretends he’s going to call you. He’s James Bond. Simply being alive the next morning is bonus enough.
In a nutshell, being seduced by James Bond – even if he is partial to other women and killing people – is probably more fulfilling than spending the night with a more run-of-the-mill womaniser who can’t bring any spy gadgets, helicopters or speedboats to the party.
Jonason also believes that the dark triad traits may be genetic, meaning that some men are literally unable to stop behaving badly because they’re following an obscure evolutionary strategy developed specifically to impregnate/annoy women. If this is evolution, I think I may have to start believing in God.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, however (for women, at least), because the seduction techniques of the dark triads are only a short-term strategy for making babies. Women tend to settle down with nice men rather than one-man population explosions who pretend they’ve been in the SAS, continually rabbit on about their muscles and then make you sleep in the wet patch.
This leaves nice men picking up the pieces from their partner’s last relationship with a womanising cad who they will always suspect their girlfriend fancied more than them and a host of ancient dark triad merchants propping up bars across the land muttering about how they used to be ‘a player’ and trying to seduce your Nan.
Interestingly, the same research discovered that women aren’t considered irresistible if they’re callous, self-obsessed and deceitful, although if we get Harriet Harman on the case, we might be able to make it law on the grounds of equal rights before the next election.
PS J, if you’re reading, A is a twat.

Apparently Shebesh and Mike Sonko were involved in a physical fight on Thursday night at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Nairobi. Its not yet clear why the two were fighting but Shebesh is said to be nursing a broken arm.

When news reached Kenyans that Shebesh had been assaulted for the second time in less than a month here are some of their reactions on twitter

Politicians who hate Shebesh be like 'A slap a day keeps pang'ang'a away' - @Masaku_

Shebesh got slapped by 3 men with different education levels. She must be the problem, Ay? - @RamzZy_

When Shebesh was patted by Kidero, all manner of groups came out asking for his resignation. Where are they after she had her hand broken? - @vincechepkwony

Shebesh's husband task to win her heart is very easy, he just needs to catch a slap for her. - @njiiru

ikiendelea hivi we'll be running raffles on who is to slap Shebesh next.. - @WaMusau

Weareone-dering whether shebesh is the kenyan white widow. - @JKoveti

Shebesh's face can be detected by iPhone 5s coz it has many fingerprints - @SpazZle_

Why has Frank Shebesh taken so long to condemn the cowardly act by his 'coalition partner' - ‏@GidiOgidi

At this rate hata Man Utd haiwezi hata chapa Shebesh''walalallala - @im_Waf

lol ati electronic voter registration ya fingerprints inafanywa na Shebesh - @iAmEriko

Shebesh bitch-slapped again???uso imekuwa database ya finger prints - @ule_pirate

Is thea a place to go register if you want to join the qeue to slap shebesh - @chrisogolla

hey feel like smacking someone on the face hard? i mean like really hard? ---call me maybe @ Hon Rachael Shebesh - ‏@Bensonmusyk

Qn:What's the similarity between Man Utd and Shebesh? Ans:Wamechapwa tena LOL - @empresjenjay

S- SHEBESH L- LAZIMA A- APUNGUZE P- PANG'ANG'A" - @Alex_Murimi

Shebesh the other name for a punching bag. - ‏@BorNNyeN

Shebesh shld insure her cheeks, i can only imgn io kofi ya Sonko vile iliwacha 'Ring-prints' - @LarinskiM

shebesh itabidi amelearn self defense la sivyo ajifunze fencing - @Kim_chokera

Anto has more problems than Shebesh's cheeks. Bachelor life is not for him. - ‏@PettieMurgor

Rachel shebesh's favourite drink is vita500. - @jimyrito

Very soon mtasikia shebesh amejislap in public - @paul_arise

- See more at: http://www.africanewspost.com/2013/10/funny-reactions-from-kenyans-on-shebesh.html#sthash.L2CXMrXr.dpuf