Life's biggest regrets

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each person experiences a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance.

Spending a considerable amount of time with moppets and seniors can verily change your life for the fitter. Tykes are persistent in what they do or want; they also don’t have a quitting mentality neither do they hold back their feelings. They will try to pat a hot cup of tea over and over again even after they get burnt. Life is simply too short, the seniors tell us, to spend it torturing yourself over outcomes that may never come to pass.

Seniors on the other hand have regrets, they have seen it all in life and are not afraid of anything even death.  Regret has been defined as a negative emotion predicated on an upward, self-focused, counterfactual inference (Gilovich & Medvec, 1995; Zeelenberg, 1999). Regret feels bad because it implies a fault in personal action: You should have done it differently, hence self-blame is a component of regret (Connolly & Zeelenberg, 2002).

Opportunity breeds regret. Feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment are strongest where the chances for corrective reaction are clearest. There are two reasons for this counterintuitive finding. First, where opportunity is denied, or where problematic circumstances are inevitable, processes of cognitive dissonance, rationalization, and reconstrual are engaged that either terminate or substantially mitigate the experience of regret. Accordingly, regret persists in precisely those situations in which opportunity for positive action remains high. According to a survey of 2,000 baby boomers conducted by survey company Censuswide on behalf of British Airways, which has a vested interest in encouraging people to take more trips.

Those 65 and up say the same thing: Research into the lives of 1,200 older people over a 10-year period by Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University, found that elders often regretted not traveling more while they were young. “Based on my studies, I can almost guarantee you one thing: If you don’t do it now, you will wish you had traveled more,” Pillemer writes.“To sum up what I learned in a sentence: When your traveling days are over, you will wish you had taken one more trip.”

Many say that they didn’t travel enough when they were young because they were busy doing other things. Roughly one in four boomers said that they haven’t traveled overseas enough because of work commitments, the Censuswide survey found; many others stated that child care considerations were a factor.

Pillemer explains that the experts view time as one of our most precious resources, and worrying about events that may not occur or that we have no control over is an inexcusable waste of this resource.

"The key characteristic of worry, according to scientists who study it, is that it takes place in the absence of actual stressors; that is, we worry when there is actually nothing concrete to worry about," he writes on Quora. "This kind of worry — ruminating about possible bad things that may happen to us or our loved ones — is entirely different from concrete problem solving."

"If you're going to be afraid of something, you really ought to know what it is. At least understand why. Identify it. 'I'm afraid of X.' And sometimes you might have good reason. That's a legitimate concern. And you can plan for it instead of worrying about it." — Joshua Bateman, 74, from "30 Lessons for Living."

"So many things come to your mind. Now, for instance, somebody might hurt your feelings. You're going to get back at him or her — well, just let it be. Push it away. So I started doing that. I found it the most wonderful thing because everybody has uncharitable thoughts. You can't help it. Some people get on your nerves, and that will be there until you die. But when they start, and I find myself thinking, 'Well, now, she shouldn't do that. I should tell her that …' Let it be. Often, before I say anything, I think, "If I did that, then what?" And let it be. Oh, so many times I felt grateful that I did nothing. That lesson has helped me an awful lot." — Sister Clare, a 99-year-old nun, from "30 Lessons for Living."

Opportunity breeds regret, and so regret lingers where opportunity existed. Rankings of life regrets, interesting in and of themselves, point to this deeper theoretical principle. Life regrets are a reflection of where in life people see opportunity, that is, where they see the most tangible prospects for change, growth, and renewal.

Bronnie Ware an Australian nurse spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. She questioned her senior patients about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five: 

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, and choose honestly. Choose happiness.